5 Hot Sauces To Make Life Less Boring
In this day and age, it can be hard to “shake things up” without the authorities getting called. I find that experimenting with crazy hot sauces is a way to awaken levels of consciousness (and the possible promise of discomfort). You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and during the aftermath, you’ll be grateful to be as far away from others as possible. Here are my top 5 hot sauces that will make you feel adventurous, daring, and NOT boring.
Crazy Jerry’s Brain Damage Mind Blowin’ Sauce $9
This tasty nectar is Sweet (we’re talking mandarin oranges, honey and mango) , with a kick from habanero and chipotle peppers. This sauce is great on most foods, not just wings. Just spicy enough to make you tear up, but not enough to Code Blue. I personally put it on my Mac and Cheese. I literally turn into Crazy Jerry.
Pain 100% $9
The name is a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s just so funny. Why WOULDN’T you want to add something to your food that is promising to alter your DNA? That being said, it is HOT. But it actually has a flavor profile. Heavy on the garlic and habanero, it makes you cry. Your tongue will tingle. And you will keep on eating it. It’s also great for bragging to coworkers on Slack with an accompanying picture of the bottle for extra street cred.
Grace Jamaican Scotch Bonnet Pepper Sauce $10
Straight from Jamaica, Grace has been making hot sauces and other Caribbean mainstays for 99 YEARS. This is a mainstay in a lot of my friend’s grandparents’ kitchens. The best part is the innocuous bottle. It looks very plain. And no one will tell you how hot it is. IT’S HOT. OH SO HOT. Snot will run out of your nose as you try to avoid getting it on your forkful of food. You might hear different frequencies in each of your ears. Hopefully this will happen to you in the privacy of your own home. But then you will add more! Character building at its finest.
Valentina Extra Hot $5
You can’t go anywhere in Mexico, or Mexican communities, without seeing Valentina. But I was introduced to Valentina Extra Hot by the fabulous prep cooks at my last restaurant. The black label is less friendly looking than the classic “Amarillo”, with only the small chili pepper on the label. They would put it on fruit, like apples and mangoes, and invite me to try it. And guess what? It’s amazing on fruit. The heat sneaks up on you, and 5 minutes later you’re running off the floor to go cough your brains out in the back hallway. Hilarious prank. But worth it! Delicious on everything, but not so hot it’s inedible. Will impress your foodie friends, for sure.
Tears of Joy- The Sword’s Tears of Fire Hot Sauce $9
I love that this place is called Tears of Joy. Based in Austin, you could enter their store and be greeted by huge baskets of tortilla chips and different sauces to try at your own risk. Currently operating online only, this sauce is still available to kick your ass liberally and without shame. The label has a drawing of a man with hot sauce lasers coming out of his eyes, and that’s about right. Made for a local metal band (if you guessed The Sword, you are correct!), it’s got red habaneros AND GHOST PEPPERS. This should not be eaten in public. Or anywhere that you can be observed by humans or pets. You will be made fun of for a long time. Your body may start to contort uncontrollably. You may burp several times. The coughing will sneak up on you. You will ask yourself why this is happening to you. But then you will realize that you are adventurous! Not boring! You can suffer discreetly at home and brag to your friends the next day about your audacious taste buds. You’re welcome.
